DIY Staples - you might be able to snag this from your closet

• Olive green shirt or khaki button-down

• Cargo pants or forest-green shorts

• Belt with all the pouches (none of them useful)

• Tall socks or crew socks folded just so

• Optional: ranger hat or baseball cap — bonus if it's got a park logo or patch

Footwear

• Hiking boots, work boots, or beat-up sneakers

• Add fake mud or tape on twigs to show you’ve “been on the trail”

• If you want drama: cowboy boots pretending to be rugged

Hair & Makeup

• Hair in a ponytail, low bun, or tucked under your cap

• Smudge some dirt (bronzer works) across your cheek — the "I've been tracking something" look

• Optional: bug bite makeup (tiny red dots for chaotic energy)

• Windburned cheeks = you know the forest better than your therapist

Accessories

• Walkie-talkie or fake radio

• Clip-on park badge or DIY ranger patch

• A compass you don’t know how to use

• Nature guidebook or a suspicious trail map

• Clipboard with “Incident Reports” that include things like:

  • “Squirrel stole granola bar”

  • “Campfire spontaneously exploded??”

  • “Possible murder… or raccoon attack?”

Behaviors & Quirks

• Squints dramatically when outdoors or by a window

• Starts every sentence with “According to protocol…” and then does the opposite

• Takes notes constantly, but they’re just drawings of pinecones

• Very calm… too calm

• Will not stop whistling a vaguely menacing bird call

Voice & Diction

• Outdoorsy tone. Think: gentle but suspicious.

• Ends sentences with “copy that” even when no one’s listening.

• Refers to everyone by trail names they definitely made up

Phrases to Say

• “That’s not bear scat… that’s something else.”

• “We found the footprint… but not the foot.”

• “It’s quiet out there in the wilderness sometimes… too quiet.”

• “Technically, you're not supposed to be off-trail, but honestly, who am I to stop a murderer?”

• “Raccoons have been acting strange ever since the full moon…”