Christmas Sweater Costume Guide

Closet Staples

• One (1) aggressively festive sweater — the uglier, the better

• Anything plaid, velvet, metallic, or aggressively red and green

• Layer with turtlenecks, thermal shirts, or a bedazzled scarf (go full mall mom energy)

• Bonus: Add shoulder pads from Grandma’s closet for that “I peaked in '89” drama

Footwear

• Fuzzy slippers or candy cane-striped socks stuffed in boots

• Loafers with tiny bows = “I came straight from the office party and I’m running on eggnog fumes”

• Jingle bells on the laces = auditory threat

• Mismatched shoes = chaotic elf energy (and possibly drunk on rum balls)

Hair & Makeup

• Tease your hair like you work retail in a snow globe

• Candy cane eyeliner, glitter lashes, or snowflake highlighter

• Santa hat + bedhead = “just woke up in a sleigh”

• Temporary red, green, or silver streaks scream: “Don’t trust me, I sparkle”

Accessories

• Mug labeled “Hot Cocoa” (we know it’s wine)

• Ornament or candy cane earrings, literal gift bows glued to your ears

• Purse shaped like a reindeer with dead eyes

• Evidence tag hanging from a stocking — extra chaotic

• Festive name tags:

  • "Eggnog Enthusiast & Prime Suspect"

  • "Mistletoe Mischief Manager"

  • "Holiday Spirit… but Emotionally Unwell"

Sweater Archetypes

• The Overcommitted Elf – Lights up, clipboard, suspicious cheerfulness
  “I made everyone cookies! Also a murder timeline!”

• The Grumpy Gift Refuser – Wears coal-colored sass
  “I didn’t kill them, but I understand.”

• The Sentimental Grandma Clone – Smells like cinnamon and danger
  “I just happened to be knitting when the lights went out.”

• The DIY Disaster – Held together with safety pins and unhinged hope
  “It’s not crooked, it’s avant-garde.”

Phrases to Say

• “Don’t mind the blood — it’s cranberry sauce.”

• “I decked the halls… and maybe someone else.”

• “Fa-la-la-la-la… not guilty.”

• “I’m full of cheer and light suspicion.”

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Halloween Sweater Costume Guide

Closet Staples

• One sweater that screams “haunted craft store”

• Black, orange, lime green, and purple dominate

• Layer with fishnets under sleeves or a glow-in-the-dark cape

• Bonus: Shoulder pads stuffed with candy corn

Footwear

• Combat boots with glow sticks tied to the laces

• Mismatched Converse = goblin-core

• Witchy heels or spiderweb-covered slippers

• Jack-o’-lantern socks pulled over leggings

Hair & Makeup

• Big teased hair like you stuck your finger in a cursed socket

• Purple glitter lids, black lipstick, or pumpkin-spice highlighter

• Temporary hair dye in neon orange, green, or purple

• Spiderweb eyeliner if you're feeling bold

Accessories

• Plastic pumpkin purse or purse made out of a cauldron

• Spider earrings, bat clips, or tiny skeleton hands holding your bun

• A plush bat on your shoulder = emotional support cryptid

• Name tags:

  • “Possessed by Pumpkin Spice”

  • “Formerly Alive, Still Petty”

  • “Trick AND Treat Suspect #3”

 

Thanksgiving Sweater Costume Guide

Closet Staples

• Harvest-toned sweaters in rust, mustard, brown, and cranberry

• One turkey, cornucopia, or pilgrim-themed sweater is required by law

• Layer with a scarf made of napkins or a feather boa if you're bold

• Bonus: Grandma’s apron for that “I’m suspicious but bring casseroles” look

Footwear

• Loafers with googly eyes = excellent

• Cornbread-crusted UGGs if you’ve fully given up

• Slippers that look like stuffing or turkey legs

• Mismatched socks = leftover energy

Hair & Makeup

• Slick bun or side braid, possibly with a leaf tucked in for no reason

• Bronze blush, corn-colored highlight, cranberry lips

• Paint on turkey handprint makeup like you’re unwell and proud

• Tiny fake pie tin fascinator = bonus point for chaos

Accessories

• Headband with plush turkey legs (half eaten is funnier)

• Felt pilgrim hat or corn-themed crown

• Fake menu pinned to your back with “Who brought murder to the table?”

• Name tags:

  • “Gravy-Fueled Gossip Machine”

  • “Thanksgiving Leftover With a Motive”

  • “Basted & Dangerous”