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THE GENERAL (a.k.a. The Decorated Overlord)

Vibe: Power pose, polished boots, and a résumé longer than your attention span. May or may not have ever actually seen combat.

 

 What to Wear (Closet Version)

• Long coat or blazer with buttons and structure

• Matching pants (or just dramatic ones — you outrank logic)

• Button-up shirt or turtleneck underneath

• Sash, scarf, or draped ribbon as a “service medal line”

• Tall boots or dress shoes with some clomp

 

Accessories

• DIY medals made from bottle caps, old brooches, or foil

• Shoulder epaulets from fringe, rope, or that weird party garland

• Sunglasses indoors — non-negotiable

• Clipboard, whistle, or dramatic baton

• Hat with authority: think flat-brimmed cap, thrift-store riding hat, or cardboard masterpiece

 

Hair & Makeup

• Slicked back, tight bun, or sharp side part

• Extra bronzer for "sun-from-the-frontlines" energy

• Smoky eyeliner = combat readiness (fashion edition)

 

Behavior

• Bark orders, even if they don’t make sense

• Salute constantly — even to plants or sandwiches

• Refer to everyone as “soldier,” even babies or pets

• Yell “STAND DOWN!” at anyone questioning your rank

 

THE SERGEANT / REALISTIC FIELD SOLDIER

Vibe: A bit of dirt, a bit of honor, and a lot of shouting with purpose.

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What to Wear

• Camo pants, cargo shorts, or army-green trousers

• Tank top, tight tee, or flannel (rolled sleeves = field-ready)

• Combat boots or grungy sneakers

• Dog tags (real or made from foil and string)

• Fingerless gloves for style and pretend grip

Accessories

• Toy walkie-talkie

• Foam knife or Nerf weaponry

• Canteen (or just a stainless water bottle you aggressively swig)

• Backpack with an unnecessary number of straps

Behavior

• Yell “DROP AND GIVE ME DRAMA”

• Do pushups randomly (bonus points if they're dramatic and wheezy)

• Whisper “They don’t know what I’ve been through… since 6th grade gym class”

• Use the phrase “in the field” about literally anything

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THE CADET / RECRUIT / GLORIFIED MESSENGER

Vibe: Trying hard. So much trying. Salutes too often. Calls everyone "sir" including the janitor.

 

What to Wear

• Khakis or jeans

• Army green shirt with homemade cardboard name tag

• Baseball cap or beret that’s clearly borrowed

• Belt with too many things clipped to it (keys, lanyard, ambition)

 

Accessories

• Tiny notebook where you write “observations” like “don’t make eye contact with General Brenda”

• Lanyard ID with “PRIVATE IN PROGRESS” on it

 

Behavior

• Snap to attention when someone enters the room, even a cat

• Misuse military lingo constantly (“Code Lavender: I forgot to charge my phone.”)

• Run when walking is fine

• Say “Copy that” to end a chat

 

THE MILITARY WANNABE / POSER / MERCENARY OF VIBES

 

Vibe: All costume, no context. Think “Call of Duty energy, Etsy budget.”

 

What to Wear

• Black everything

• Tactical vest made from a fishing vest or hardware apron

• Utility belt with fake gear (a roll of tape, granola bar, flashlight)

• Gloves, boots, and a confident head nod

 

Accessories

• Paintball mask or ski goggles as “field gear”

• Fingerless gloves + dramatic bandana combo

• Backpack with literally nothing inside except one energy drink

• Toy weapon with LED lights 

 

Behavior

• Talk about “the mission” but never explain what it is

• Do finger-gun salutes

• Say “Negative” instead of “No,” "Affirmative" instead of "yes," and “Roger” instead of “OK”

• Posture like you’re carrying 80lbs of emotional backstory

 

Bonus Add-ons for Any Rank

• Camouflage face paint (or just creative contouring)

• “Mission log” journal full of nonsense like “Thursday – survived the DMV”

• Tiny flag on a stick — wave it patriotically or plant it in cake

• A printed badge or sash reading: "Self-Appointed Field Commander of Vibes"