🎭 Jazz Hands, Jokes & Just Barely Hanging On

Because the show must go on… even if someone doesn’t.

This cast of performers has one thing in common: they never leave the stage — even when they should. Whether you’re a washed-up cruise act, an overconfident magician, or a motivational speaker nobody asked for, this is your time to shine… or at least sparkle awkwardly under the disco lights.

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🎩 Cruise Ship Magician (or Illusionist “Extraordinaire”)

Vibe: Flashy, mysterious, and entirely too dramatic for someone who can’t shuffle cards properly.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Sequin jacket, dress shirt, black pants, slightly bent top hat.

• Women: Sparkly bolero or cape, fitted pants or skirt, bold eyeliner, and glitter flats.

• Add: white gloves, wand, or plastic rose.

Props & Accessories:

• Deck of cards, wand, bouquet from sleeve, silk scarves, stuffed bunny.

• Optional: small pouch labeled “Secrets” or a fake assistant (mannequin arm encouraged).

Quirks:

• Starts every sentence with, “For my next trick…”

• Refers to their act as “mystical art.”

• Constantly “finds” objects in other people’s pockets.

• Gasps loudly when anyone mentions “real magic.”

How to Play the Role:

• Use sweeping gestures like every movement is a grand reveal.

• Stare dramatically at your “audience” before every trick.

• Act deeply offended if someone calls you a “birthday party magician.”

• Say “Abracadabra!” at wildly inappropriate times.

Sayings:

 

“Prepare yourselves for a miracle of medium proportions!”
“It’s not sleight of hand — it’s destiny!”
“Don’t blink, or you’ll miss my entire career.”

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🪄 Magician (Land Edition – The Great Something)

Vibe: Think “county fair illusionist” with Broadway confidence.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Tailcoat, vest, bow tie, slicked hair, or fake mustache.

• Women: Corset-style vest or jacket, boots, dramatic jewelry, sparkly scarf.

• Add: cape (optional but highly encouraged).

Props & Accessories:

• Coin tricks, rope, wand, deck of cards, rubber dove, plastic wand labeled “Plan B.”

Quirks:

• Narrates everything like it’s a documentary about them.

• Overexplains tricks, ruining the illusion.

• Bows after opening doors or sitting down.

• Calls random objects “enchanted artifacts.”

How to Play the Role:

• Speak in a low, mysterious tone.

• Perform unnecessary hand flourishes while doing normal tasks.

• Create suspense before pulling something underwhelming from your pocket.

• Treat every moment as an encore.

Sayings:

 

“I once performed for royalty — Burger King counts.”
“You don’t choose magic. Magic chooses you.”

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🎭 Stage Actor (Local Legend)

Vibe: The dramatic lead in every community theater show — even when you’re not in one.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Turtleneck, slacks, scarf, boots, and emotional depth.

• Women: Flowing blouse or dress, beret, bold lipstick, dramatic shawl.

• Add: prop script, fake award, or director’s chair name tag.

Props & Accessories:

• Playbill, scarf for “artistic flair,” fake stage light (flashlight works).

Quirks:

• Quotes Shakespeare in casual conversation.

• Dramatically stares into the middle distance.

• Insists on “running lines” with strangers.

• Takes everything as a metaphor.

How to Play the Role:

• Use exaggerated expressions.

• End sentences with a wistful sigh.

• Refer to your local theatre group as “The Company.”

• Insist on applause after monologues.

Sayings:

 

“They told me I was born for the stage… and they were right.”
“This whole affair feels… very act three.”

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🎙️ Lounge Singer (Smooth or Slightly Tragic)

Vibe: Half glamour, half heartbreak — all performance.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Velvet blazer, shiny shoes, undone bow tie, “stage weary” look.

• Women: Sequined gown or jumpsuit, long gloves, faux fur stole, pearls.

• Add: mic prop, glass of “stage water,” dramatic scarf.

Props & Accessories:

• Fake microphone, mini keyboard, lyric sheet, napkin autographs.

Quirks:

• Breaks into song mid-conversation.

• Constantly hums their “signature tune.”

• Refers to everyone as “darling.”

• Cries artistically.

How to Play the Role:

• Walk like you’re under a spotlight at all times.

• Speak softly, then belt suddenly for attention.

• Overuse finger snaps and slow turns.

• Blow imaginary kisses to “fans.”

Sayings:

 

“They loved me on Deck 7 — until the storm hit.”
“I’m not washed up. I’m… marinated.”

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🎧 Cruise Ship DJ / Party Host

Vibe: Endless enthusiasm with the emotional range of a foghorn.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Hawaiian shirt, white pants, chunky sneakers, sunglasses.

• Women: Bright crop top or sequined tee, leggings, platform sneakers.

• Add: glittery fanny pack, whistle, headset mic.

Props & Accessories:

• Glow sticks, fake DJ controller, clipboard labeled “Fun Schedule.”

Quirks:

• Yells everything like there’s an audience.

• Refers to any event as “the main stage moment.”

• Plays invisible air horns after sentences.

• Uses slang from 2012 unironically.

How to Play the Role:

• Keep moving — even while standing still.

• Point at random people and yell “You rock!”

• Never stop smiling. Ever.

• Treat awkward silences as dramatic build-ups.

Sayings:

 

“Make some NOOOOISE—wait, where is everyone?”
“The vibes are immaculate, even in a murder investigation!”

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😂 Comedian (Not Funny, But Loud)

Vibe: Believes volume equals laughter.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Blazer with sneakers, loud tee, fake confidence.

• Women: Colorful jacket, jeans, hair pulled back like “comedy serious.”

• Add: toy microphone, joke cards, fake “Netflix special” badge.

Props & Accessories:

• Cue cards labeled “Applause!” and “Laughter (Please).”

Quirks:

• Repeats jokes that didn’t land.

• Points finger guns at everyone.

• Ends every sentence with, “Tough crowd!”

• Laughs at own jokes longer than anyone else.

How to Play the Role:

• Talk over people for comedic effect.

• Pause dramatically before punchlines that never come.

• Pretend to take notes on reactions.

• Clap after your own jokes.

Sayings:

 

“You’re great! Don’t ever come to my show.”
“I opened for a mime once. They crushed.”

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🎤 Motivational Speaker / Life Coach (Dubious at Best)

Vibe: Endless positivity, questionable credibility.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Blazer over T-shirt that says “Dream. Do. Dominate.”

• Women: Bright blazer, inspirational tee, sensible heels.

• Add: headset mic, clipboard, name tag reading “Coach.”

Props & Accessories:

• Water bottle labeled “Confidence Fuel.”

• Vision board, “Success Cards,” fake eBook handouts.

Quirks:

• Claps after everything you say.

• Asks “What’s your why?” mid-sentence.

• Turns any topic into a life lesson.

• Hands out fake business cards.

How to Play the Role:

• Speak loudly with random bursts of energy.

• Make dramatic pauses before buzzwords (“Success… starts… NOW!”).

• Give unsolicited advice constantly.

• Pose like you’re on a motivational poster.

Sayings:

 

“The only limit is yourself — and this room’s lighting.”
“You can’t spell success without ME.”

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🌀 Stage Hypnotist (Low Budget, High Ego)

Vibe: Big cape, bigger confidence, zero control.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Satin vest, black slacks, cape, shiny shoes.

• Women: Sequin jacket or vest, dramatic earrings, bold eye makeup.

• Add: watch on a chain, clipboard labeled “Test Subjects.”

Props & Accessories:

• Pocket watch, flashlight, toy wand, fake permission form.

Quirks:

• Snaps fingers and shouts “SLEEP!” at random.

• Gets flustered when it doesn’t work.

• Claims to sense “energy auras.”

• Sighs dramatically about “resistance.”

How to Play the Role:

• Wave hands in circles when thinking.

• Speak slowly and commandingly.

• Pretend to hypnotize inanimate objects.

• Take credit for coincidences.

Sayings:

 

“You’re feeling sleepy… probably from boredom.”
“I control minds — mostly my own.”

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🎺 Prop Comic / Accordion Musician / Variety Act

Vibe: Pure chaos. The kind of energy you can’t contain or explain.

Costume (from your closet):

• Men: Mismatched shirt and tie, funny hat, suspenders, novelty socks.

• Women: Bright patterns, tutu or bowtie, funky glasses, sequined scarf.

• Add: clown horn, toy instrument, or prop chicken.

Props & Accessories:

• Accordion, rubber chicken, kazoo, sound effect button, gag flowers.

Quirks:

• Makes random sound effects in conversations.

• Laughs at everything (especially themselves).

• Pulls out weird props for no reason.

• Introduces every object as “part of the act.”

How to Play the Role:

• Treat normal life like a performance.

• React too dramatically to everything.

• Say “Thank you, you’ve been a great audience!” after basic actions.

• Dance awkwardly during tense moments.

Sayings:

 

“This bit kills at kids’ parties!”
“You think this is weird? Wait until Act Two.”

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🎟️ General Accessories & Tricks for All Performers

• Glitter microphone or toy mic

• Fake business cards (“The Great Magnifico,” “Energy Curator,” “Local Legend”)

• Cue cards for “Applause” or “Encore”

• Flyers advertising your fake show (“Live Tonight on Deck 7!”)

• Guestbook for signatures that nobody gives

• Compact mirror for dramatic self-reflection

• Plastic “award” or trophy (self-issued, obviously)